Introspect

This new snese of fortitude I was suggesting a few entries back, in a way seems to be working subconsciously, stepping away from all the unwanted clutter and unnecessary noise that I really don’t need right now. Forced meditation or otherwise as some might say.

And as most alcoholics would say, having moments of clarity. I don’t know whther I’m getting ahead of myself here, it’s only been a week since I made this self declaration. But at this moment I seem to get a glimpse and sense of what everything that seems to be, and what they mean and represent: the past, present and the future.

Yea it seems like the whole world, and it is mine. But having this period to breathe has allowed me to hopefully, find my balance and center.

I guess the best way is to keep things simple, which would be easier said done than done. I came to realize this when I was chatting to one or two from back in the day, and we were just reminiscing how life was so much simpler and straightforward, the only worries was that off getting to school on time, getting the homework done during the morning and well, hope you promoted to the next year with the minimal of studying.

But I guess growing up comes with more freedom, responsibilities, mistakes, lessons learnt, trials and tribulations.

I’m gonna sound like an ol’ fart now.

Strange how when you’re older you tned to observe stuff. Took a drive past my old neighbourhood, Holland Grove Drive late last Sunday afternoon. As time would dictate, everything has changed, small bungalows have been made to huge blocks of houses with a a square foot of garden or so, which kinda makes the road seem single laned.

We droved past the playground which was virtually empty, not a single todd playing in the sandpits, swings and other playground favourites. Well, I guess the crux of this is that I’ve come to the conclusion that kids don’t know what fun would be.

I mean I think most of my friends and people of my age, or older would agree that back in the day, circa 15 years ago and beyond. The fondest memory of childhood would to be at that playground (whichever that playground might mean to you); building colossal sand structures outta that sandpit, having water gun fights, crawling through drains (yea we were small once), learning to cycle or skateboard (which at some point we would often end up in drains due to some oncoming car) and afterthat, being chased by the neighbourhood dogs (plus the strays near the temple that some of us kids claimed had something sinister about them.), inventing games around the park and, as well as playing with tiys, Lego and all that other stuff. Having a sense of creativity and imagination, which I think we all had a vivid one collectively.

And about 6 or 7 in the evening the dinner bell would go off: which came in the bellowings from of parents and hired jelp in getting the kids that were congregated at the park to gget our mudy arses back home for baths (what every kid would dread) and dinner.

It seems that kids nowasays, apart from a few don’t really know what it’s all about (well in my books). I mean we had our Sega mega Drives and Nintendos to occupy us from time to time when we bored of the park or if it was raining, now all a kid needs is a black box hooked up to a tele, and that’s childhood? Sad as it seems in this day.

Detox

Stomach Flu.

the price I pay for gluttony and booze... I think it be the oysters on Wednesday that done it.

And now my stomach has like a ferris wheel in it, not that I know what it feels to have a ferris wheel up i your abdominal region. So the system is getting flushed out.. amongst other details that I shan't get into....

Churning.. churning .. churning...

A New Epiphany ...?

I’ve been looking through some of my recent entries of late, and it goes without saying that it shows for drab and dismal reading.

A long pole wedged in a very deep, thick pool of mud one might say.

It usually seems to be the case that writing does get me through situations and mood in the past. But in saying so, I guess not at this hour in time. The more I seem to write over these past few days, the more abstract and odd my thoughts seemed to appear to be when inked.

The attic is a weird place to be in.

There has been thoughts of getting away from it all, sorta like removing myself from where I am, all the clutter and noise, and refocus and perhaps, breathe again.

Mayve in turn, happier thoughts and scenarios would become more apparent. Mmaybe it’s time for me to have a new sense of fortitude, and well … live life again?

So ...

What is…

Sadness

Motivation

Satisfaction

Self worth

Self actualisation

Fulfillment

Ambition

Achievement

Success

Life

Contentment

Companionship

Love

Purity

Insanity

A high

Peace

Happiness

For you?

I wonder…

Indeed

I would have to raise my hand and say it, I am in a funk.

Many issues, circumstances, situations and chain of events, on my own doing and external forces have been contributing to this, be it intangible or intangible.

To be honest, everything is just looking grey and dull; everything has lost it’s it’s colour, in tensity and luster. Enthusiasm for the routine has and everything else that comes along with it seems to be waning.

I know people have been either, trying to verbally slap some sense into me, or for that matter, talk some sense into me. I appreciate that. And some have been reiterating to me what I have been saying to them. Which I guess they are trying to help, but in the end, it just seems to be slapping me even harder in the face.

I know nothing can be out of one’s control unless you let it or want it to be. But at this juncture the feeling is otherwise, Which idiot would want to beat himself up in this way?

And if I could, I would, but I can’t, and that goes without saying.

____

It may seem late, but thank you ...
“In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like …

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I guess I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind?

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind?”

Freedom?

"Free as a bird
It's the next best thing to be

Free as a bird
Home, home and dry
Like a homing bird I'll fly
As a bird on wings

Whatever happened to
The life that we once knew?
Can we really live without each other?

Where did we lose the touch
That seemed to mean so much?
It always made me feel so...

Free as a bird
Like the next best thing to be
Free as a bird

Home, home and dry
Like a homing bird I'll fly
As a bird on wings

Whatever happened to
The life that we once knew?
Always made me feel so free

Free as a bird
It's the next best thing to be
Free as a bird

Free ..."...

- Free As a Bird, The Beatles

Eat my dust Lance Armstrong...

I’m not the boy I used to be. In saying so, the male ego makes one really consider such an idea.

And this flash of brilliance was to cycle to Holland Village, easier said then done. In theory and in my head, it seemed easy: I mean if you know about the geography of the internal roads of where I reside, it’s simple. Victoria Park Road, down to Rebecca Road, and then onto Bin Tong Park and then Leaden etc … no fuss….

But as I said, I used to be able to do this ... back when I was 15ish? That seemed just yesterday, biking up those killer hills. But alas, I think my body has given that up for other vices (which we shan’t go into). Or I could blame it on the bike who's gear’s seem to be outta whack.

Walking the dog and lugging a bike up a hill isn’t really the same as CYCLING up one.

Three rounds on the massage chair didn’t seemed to help either.

So, if I ever have this stroke of genius again (baring any initial preparation), just smack some sense into me why don’t ya ….?

Skin

What lives we lead

What lies we weave

Never staying

Ever changing

Always deceiving

The veneer that we have

A myrid of facades that we possess

And the mask that we adorn

Like the chameleons that we are

Rollercoaster

What a span of time in a week can be.

From euphoric highs to the bottomless of lows.

In many respects, it is rather unhealthy to allow your emotions to dictate your actions.

We're just mere mortals.

But as situations and circumstances would, as always, takes it’s course.

That everything will be back to the status quo.

And that all is said and done.

Until another week starts.

Inevitable

It’s times like these when I think there’s no point in trying.

In my case attempting to stand on my two feet, without the assistance of a rail or a lift. This attempted stance of independence has left me feeling at this point, as though I’m dragging myself to the ground.

And then there was, this initial zeal and zest, of saying that the world is mine for the conquering so beware! Which I guess it would be the case when it comes to pastures new.

But I fyess when time passes, it really does eat on you, as everyone else moves along with it, and you’re standing there like someone flicked a pause button your life. And as human nature would come to dictate things, there’s an unnecessary guilt that rears its head, that everything else you do is not meant to be done. And it isn’t exactly your fault either.

But what else can one do if otherwise? Sit at home right now, rot like a wasted being and write a depressing blog entry such as this?

Perhaps...

The weekend

no pics as yet.. problems with Blogger as usual...

Well, for quite awhile now, I finally manage to do something different, apart from the dull and mundane. Would have to say that I’ve got no complaints.

This weekend I was in Malacca, for people not in the know, it’s a 3 hour or so car ride into the neighbouring Malaysia, the sate right after Johor. Historically it has got quite abit of significance as it was one of the more strategic trading points in the colonial days, as it would be evident as it was under British and Portugese rule.

On a personal level, it’s hometown of which my dad grew up when he came over to Malaya all those years back. To be honest I didn’t feel a connection to this not so sleepy back water anymore, as I thought I would if there was a more ‘human’ connection. Maybe if there was a connection to something closer there would be something.

Anyways, there was no specific reason as to wh we (family and friends), one of the reasons would be to chekout Chan’s weekend getaway. Nestled in Tiara country club, it was one of those residential concepts whereby it nestles in the center and the peripheral of the golf course, something like the houses in Wentworthin Surrey, Valaderama in Spain and of course Pebble beach in Monterey, California.

The house is a good place to getaway from it all, aprt from a radio and mini bar fridge, there was really nothing else, really. The house was styled with the Mediterranean theme in mind, wide open open living spaces and a water feature right in the center of the house.

The other main intention of this trip, and I think this would be the main reason, was to pig out, and one the floodgates open, there’s no chance in hell of swimming against the tide, resistance is futile.

My gastronomical vices bgan at lunch, it was at this shack behind some person’s house, sights, sounds and flavors that pity, ou don’t get to savour in Singapore.

So what did I eat/ Mee Siam! Slightly differebt as it was dryer than what is usually is here in Singapore, but nonetheless it s was 2 packets worth of lipsmacking goodness. And this was accompanied by homemade poh piah and kuey pai tee.

Told you this wou this is on the verge of gluttony.

After a beer and lack of sleep induced siesta, it was another round of feeding the face. This time round it was this seafood place right by the sea, just like on of those seafood places along the East Coast of Singapore. What I ate would be 4 packets of nasi lemak (equvalent to 1 big packet in most places, sambal was superb!). This was accompanied by quite abit of chee hum, lightly battered fried sotong, sambal stingray, buttered prawns and fish of some description (which I can assure you went well down in the stomach).

Thank me for not taking fotogs of the food.
After afew trips to the toilet to clear space, it was finally down to lunch. And this one sorta made my trip complete. First off it was malacca’s ver famous chicken rice balls, which for aesthetics and guilt wise isn’t too bad as instead of scoops of rice it’s shaped into bitesize pieces of balls, chicken was excellent also. But the coup de gras would have to be the SATAY BABI, or miniature pork kebabs. This is one of those dishes where there is no place better than eating from where it originally came from. In this case it would be this stall located at Joncker Street, the heart of old Malacca town.

Well the way this is grilled is that it’s simply meat on a stick, with pieces of fat stuck inbetween the meat, just melts in your mouth. And as though this wasn’t good enough, it’s accompanied with this satay sauce, only difference is that it’s got pineapple shavings in it and simply put, this flavor and taste can’t be replicated anywhere else according to fellow foodies.

And that would be my weekend of vice, kinda regret it now, but I guess, big eyes, and even bigger stomach.

inconsequence

Time and time again it has elapsed

Time and time again it has passed

And yet it doesn’t seem so

For reasons cynical and trifle

And yet it seemed so needed

But what would it come to in the end

As it goes pn and on

Like a neverending circle

That will neither start nor stop

Much Ado About Nothing

Back again...

Was kinda in a wishy washy state of mind as whether I should anthing worthwhile after signing in and out of Blogger a couple of times.

Well, it is 8:51 a.m. at theis point, and my mind is seriously on hibernation mode. Which I would have to conclude is due to the medication which I have been taking for the past week or so.

Yep, once again, I have caught the flu bug again or I think it was what was left of the last time I went under the weather; Because I wasn't hallucinating which would always be the case when I'm having temperature (i.e. Indie JOne's big boulder after me in a never ending tunnel would be on of the favourites). But it was that adventurous this time around, asll I had was small and rather bizarre freams that I have no recollection of as most of the time, my dreams usually end up being de je vous, maybe I should get a dreamcatcher.

So it was a week of rather blend food, well the beginning of it if you don't count of a mountain of sashimi which my excuse is that in true chow kah Singaporean fashion, it was a buffet starter afterall and i haven't that in yonks... I'll induldge.

My lack of getting outta the house for that week, amongst other reasons, lured me into heading out on friday night, to the same old place again as usual. No complaints, thought It be a shitty night to begin with but it ended with another closest of kin doing a Merlion impersonation. And in between all this, got to know one or two more people slightly better, and moments of insanity which resulted in sporadic bouts of bitch slapping. The haze of alcohol ... haha .. do apologize though.

And yet again, after the night out, "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" can be hummed again. I wonder where they're getting their tales from, what now I wonder? Watch this space.

And this madness did lead me to know that I'm not the only one that has such spite and now nothing ness for an amoeba or otherwise known as g.d., but flaming someone that obvious is abit too much and slightly below the belt in my books, atleast someone had the moxy to say it.